H. Potter and the Invasion of the Capitalist Pigs
by Ziegod Lizski
Summary: Just what we need: more hot American transfer students, Starbucks takes over Hogwarts, and Harry learns how to hit on women! The much-anticipated sequel to Harry Potter and the Dark Lord's Duplicate has arrived! It can stand on its own, though.
1. The Crapaccino Nazi

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Harry Potter and the Invasion of the Capitalist Pigs  
(No, this is not a message from our friends at the far left)

This is the sequel to "Harry Potter and the Dark Lord's Duplicate," so I suggest you read that first (But it still makes sense if you don't). It's guaranteed to put a smile on your face! Like Girlie Scout cookies, except it doesn't make you fat...unless you spend all your time reading my fanfic when you should be exercising...nevermind.

Chapter 1

Harry had been so caught up in the events of the year that he had failed to realize that he hadn't had any Defense Against the Dark Arts classes yet, and it was already after the Christmas holidays.

"Weren't you listening to a word Dumbledore said earlier?" said Hermione between turning pages of _10,000 Ways to Say I'm Better Than You_ by Gilderoy Lockhart, "The replacement can't arrive until January. He can't get off work until then, and he's the only one other than Snape that's willing to do the job."

Harry felt stupid, but he couldn't help it--a lot had happened in the past few months. He had been selected by the Goblet of Popularity to be Fall Ball King, only to find out that hhis name was submitted by Lord Jigglypuff, Voldemort's not-so-evil twin. His girlfriend, Mary Sue, had dumped him for Dawson, and even when Dawson left to join Buffy at the creek, she still didn't want Harry. She chose Dean, of all people. So there he was, a single loser, summing up the events of the past novel for everyone. The common room was quickly emptying, and Harry was confused once again.

"Hermione?" he asked, "Where's everyone going?"

"That must have been _some_ butterbeer binge you went on for you not to remember. Dumbledore's giving us a surprise today."

"Goody! But why aren't you going?"

"Because I'm better than you!"  
Hermione smiled to herself and returned to her book; Harry followed the crowed and arrived in Great Hall just in time to hear Dumbledore speak.

"Students, students...I have a special treat for you. Because it seems like everyone needs to perk up after last semester's, um, incident, I've decided to open up a Starbucks franchise at Hogwarts."

Everyone was ecstatic, because everyone who was anyone knew what Starbucks was. By opening up a franchise at Hogwarts, Starbucks had successfully conquered the world.

***

"Um," said Neville Longbottom, looking up at the huge Starbucks menu, "Can I have a crapaccino?"

"And how would you like that?" said an artsy, disaffected-looking young wizard with purple hair and black nails. Neville looked overwhelmed at the mammoth decision, "Um, could I just have it plain?"

"It doesn't come plain," said the worker in a haughty voice, "You obviously don't know what you want, so to the back of the line!"

"B-But I've b-been w-waiting--" Neville stammered. The worker's face reddened and Neville swore there was steam coming out of his ears. About to spontaneously combust, he screamed, "NO CRAPACCINO FOR YOU!"

Neville ran away crying. The disgruntled Starbucks worker, in a strained voice, said, "NEXT!"

Justin Flich-Fletchley, looking slightly shaken from the scary worker's yelling, said in a low voice, "Could I have a small crapacciono?"

The disgruntled Starbucks worker began to laugh, "Don't you mean tall?" he snorted.

"Um, no. I said small."

"Small is tall! Duh! What kind of a git doesn't know the Starbucks sizes?"

"But--But" Justin flinched. He knew what was coming.

"No crappaccino for you!" he said, shooing Justin away, "NEXT!"

But what he saw shocked him. Before him stood Cedric Driggory.

Sorry about the cliffhanger. I threw that in cause I wanted to end this chapter. Okay, the "no crapaccino for you" thing is from the soup nazi episode of Seinfeld. Also, I am not "dissing" frapaccinos. In fact, they are quite tasty. Also, Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, and Starbucks belongs to Dr. Evil and Number Two. 


	2. Necrophilia

Harry Potter and the Invasion of the Capitalist Pigs

Harry Potter and the Invasion of the Capitalist Pigs

Chapter 2

"Driggory? You're dead! Dead people can't have crapaccino! NO CRAPACCINO FOR YOU!"

Girls began to swirl around Cedric—afterall, he was a hottie, even if he'd been decomposing for six months.

"Oh Cedy!" the necrophiliacs cried, "How did you get out of your grave? Did Scully and the F.B.I. dig you up?"

"Actually, I was never really dead."

"What?" they squealed.

"Oh, come on! Everyone knows that when you die, you don't actually die! You just get a game over! Duh!"

"Yay!" the crowd cheered. Cedric was back, even though he had finished his seventh year. Dumbledore let him stay because he was a hottie.

A magically magnified voice came over the loudspeaker as Ron and Harry were enjoying a game of chess.

"Students," it said, "The new defense against the dark arts teacher has arrived. All students please report to the great Hall to meet him."

Harry grumbled because on the way, he had to see Mary Sue snogging Dean Thomas. Sure, Dean was the most popular guy in school (a/n: read "A Day in the Life of Dean Thomas"), but Dean did not have an adorable scar on his forehead. Harry sighed, "Dean may be handsome, smart, and super cool," he thought, "But no one can beat my scar…Chicks dig scars."

Harry decided that he could do better than Mary Sue. He could have Cho! But just as he entered the Great Hall, he saw Cho snogging Cedric. Just when Harry was going to finally have Cho, Cedric had to go and rise from the dead!

"Students," McGonagall giggled, much to the surprise of all the students, "This is our new defense against the dark arts teacher, former president of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton."

Everyone gasped.

"What?" said Bill in a drawling southern accent, "I have experience! I managed to hold off the Republicans, didn't I?"

Yes, I'm a left-wingin' swinger. But I hate Democrats, too. So I guess you could say that I'm a commie-hating socialist/fascist/anarchist. Oh, and this story is not meant to insult commies or necrophiliacs. 


	3. Chicks dig scars...

Harry Potter and the Invasion of the Capitalist Pigs

Harry Potter and the Invasion of the Capitalist Pigs

Chapter 3

Harry Potter, ever the ladies man, gathered up his nerve and tapped Cho Chang on the shoulder. But once he had her attention, he couldn't quite figure out what to say.

"I ate a baby," he said, determined to win her back.

"Huh?" she replied, uninterested, even though Harry had just stated that a) he was a cannibal b) he consumes babies for fun.

"I ate a baby."

"Oh," she said, looking out the window, "Sorry, Herbert, I was thinking about Cedy."

"My name is Harry!" he fumed, "You know, Harry Potter? The famous, the great, the good Harry Potter? The one who every body loves…You know what, Cho? I don't have to take this from you! I could have any girl!"

He stormed off, muttering something that sounded a great deal like, "Chicks dig scars."

Cho shrugged and proceeded to snog Cedy.

He muttered angrily to himself as he walked down the hallway. Suddenly, he ran straight into another student, and all of her books fell to the floor. As she stooped to pick them up, Harry stared fixedly at her—she was beautiful, even more beautiful than Mary Sue was. It was odd, though; he had never seen her before.

"Sorry," he said, "Who are you?"

"Oh," she replied, her cheeks flushing, giving her an adorable "girl next door" look, "I'm Sary Lou. I just transferred here from Chicago."

"Wow! Two hot American transfers in one fan fiction series! Lucky me!"

"Actually," she said, "The ministry just made a rule that a hot American girl must transfer here every two weeks."

"So, why did you come?"

"The author got bored and decided to create a new character."

"Huh?"

"Nothing," she said, looking strangely at Harry, "Judging by the adorable scar on your forehead, you're Harry Potter."

He nodded and suavely brushed his gorgeous, thick black hair out of his eyes.

"But if you're Harry Potter—the debonair distinguished gentleman who has a new love interest ever story, then why aren't you helping me with my books?"

Harry froze. The hottie was such a hottie that he didn't know what to do. After a few moments pause, the brain in his head finally took over, and he bent down to help her. But by the time he reached the floor, there was only one book left. They both reached for it, and then something magical happened. When their hands touched, it was, like, magical! Mary Sue may have been a hottie, a smartie, and not to mention a hottie, but she couldn't compete with Sari Lou. Even though he had just met her, he was sure she was utterly wonderful. He knew he had to kiss her; he didn't know quite why (perhaps his other brain was taking over). He leaned in, manly charm in full gear, and then…SMACK! Sari Lou jumped up and screamed, "THAT'S SEXUAL HARRASSMENT, AND I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT!"

Harry was incapable of forming a coherent thought other than, "But…she's a chick…And I have a scar…And chicks dig scars…"

Harry Potter=Sean Connery

This is the result of not having any classes after 10:30 and having to stay at school.


End file.
